God is Scary

My wife is the best person I know. She recently made a comment that reminded me of when I was younger rocking out to Hall and Oats or 65 love affair on my record player. Sometimes the needle would get stuck and the same couple words and notes would repeat over and over and over and over... well, you get the idea. She was headed in a completely different direction with her thought than where it took me but in the words of Buckaroo Banzai "no matter where you go, there you are".

A week ago I received a gift. I have received this same gift every year for the past 3 years. I knew it was coming, like fruitcake but not bound for the trashcan. One of my guitar students gives me a sum of money every year at Christmas time. Honestly, I look forward to it. The materialistic side of me starts thinking in November about what I'm going to spend it on (not proud of that). This year was no exception. On the same day that I received my Christmas "bonus" I ran into an old co-worker. He and his wife left our church some time ago to plant a church. That's hard work. They don't make a lot of money and they have a lot of kids. As soon as I saw him the record started skipping in my brain:

Brain: "give him your bonus"

Me: "nope"

Brain: "give it"

Me: "uh... no"

Brain: "yes"

Me: "but I have plans for that money"

Brain: "so do I"

Me: "But we're the same. Aren't you my brain?"

Brain (or something else): "..."

Me: "Hello up there?"

Brain (maybe Holy Spirit...): "choose"

At that point in the conversation I had spent about an hour with this guy and I was in my truck driving away. I turned around. I wish that I had obeyed when I first was told to but I didn't. My friend thought I was crazy. I think I'm crazy. Not because of that particular incident but I can think of a few hundred other instances that testify to my lack of sanity. He tried to not take it but was persuaded when I said I had to do it to be obedient. Weird. I'm not one of those "God audibly spoke to me" people but I tell you, He made it difficult for me to ignore what He was saying that day; and I tried. I REALLY tried. Sometimes God comes in the gentle whisper and sometimes He's got a 5 pound sledge hammer headed toward your face.

So, back to my wife...

She said (and this is taken somewhat out of context) that there was no hope for the american church. This was rooted in the ideology of America that exalts the individual and individual happiness over everything. Don't agree? Look at your checkbook. Break everything down into percentages and if the scale tips in your favor... Don't want to use your checkbook? Use mine. The same thing would be true. The vast majority of what I receive goes right back to me. I make time for things that matter to me. I like to say some things matter to me that actually don't based on the allocation my time - not what I say mind you, but what I actually do. Checkbook's the same way. My sister loves big cats - bengal tigers, snow leopards - the kinds that are cute in stuffed animals but in real life would eat you. Her checkbook proves it. She has given to organizations that help protect the habitats of those animals. I would like to support those animals by feeding people that bother me to them. That’s not real support and not actually true (most days).

Proof.

Money = proof of value.

Digress. Sorry.

Back to the hopelessness of the American Church…

She’s was reflecting on a story about a third world country where an American had gone, behaved in a very “un-American” way and made a huge difference; so huge a difference in fact that a book was written about her. The context for that is found in our efforts to raise 8 children in the midst of a society so deeply entrenched in entitlement and self-preservation that the idea of losing your life to find it almost cannot be translated.

So…

What if the third world could be brought here?

That’s the endless repeat question and I need to think about it more before I finish that thought.

Part 3 or 4, I forget...

I have great in-laws. I love when then come to visit and am sad when they leave. We bought a used Honda Odyssey from my wife’s sister. She gave us a great deal on it. One day my kids were riding with my wife and my son asked when we were going to fill the other 3 seats up with more babies? So, 2 years later we’re a family of 5 filling all the seats. The foster family who had the 3 older siblings suggested that we might consider taking them all. My initial response was no way (with more explicatives than that) but, the idea would cross my mind every once in a while.

Almost from the beginning my wife was willing to do it. She developed a really close relationship with the oldest girl and that opened the door in our hearts to all of them really. December 17 of 2010 the 3 older girls came to live with us.

Jody and I love these kids now as if they were our own, really because they are. The adoption of them is in process and will hopefully be completed this summer. They have changed our lives in so many ways. We moved from the first house we ever purchased in order to accommodate a mega family. We have to take 2 vehicles wherever we go. We always have someone needing us for something. We always have laundry to do or something to clean up and at times it is overwhelming. We’ll probably have to build a house because there just aren’t any on the market that would be ideal for a family our size. Family has taken on a new meaning for both of us. I have 1 sibling and my wife has 2 so this is uncharted water for us. Our incredible friends, family and a church family are all sacrificially generous and supportive of us. We potentially have 6 weddings to plan/pay for in our future, 8 high school graduations, hopefully 8 college gradations and more birthdays than I can possibly remember (thinking about tattoos of them).

But.

It.

Is.

Great.

Our lives have new meaning because of them and we’re a family.

This is gonna be interesting...

Better than... well, anybody

It occurs to me that I am who I am because of the people I know. Most importantly, I am a Christian because I know God, specifically, God as He revealed Himself in Jesus. I am musical because of Dr Deakins. I love martial arts because of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan and Brian Williams. I sing with soul in my voice because of Barry Cope. I sing for God because of Barry Cope also. I hate smoking because Matt Carson and I snuck out into the woods to fire up my first Marlboro Light and I almost puked. I hate the Tarheels because some kid I don't remember slammed me against a locker in middle school because I said I like Duke. I like Duke because John Sullivan did. I hate the smell of beer because I remember John Sullivan vacuuming up vomit from one of his friends who drank too much beer. I love the acoustic guitar because of Scotty Cope and Rob Harris. I am moral because my parents made me that way both lovingly and forcefully. I am generous because they are. I love TV and mindless entertainment because my dad does.

I am a good man today because a woman believes in me. A woman who is far more passionate about important things than I am. A woman who loves sacrificially in a way that I will never understand. A woman who lovingly and forcefully helped me to get to this point where we find ourselves in this journey. So, just to be clear, she's in all of this and this story wouldn't have happened without her. (who knows, maybe I'll con her into a post about how she got here)

Not Really...

In the Old Testament whenever the people of Israel had a new experience with God they came up with a new name for Him.

El was a standard name God with ideas of strength and power

El Shaddai meant God all sufficient

Jehovah Jireh meant God will provide

Jehovah Shalom meant the Lord our peace

The Old Testament really drips encounters with God so, there are a lot of names. My most recent experience with God made me think of a name for Him: El Loki. In norse mythology Loki is known as the trickster God. There are times when I wake up and realize that I'm not entirely sure how there came to be 10 people living in my 1500 sq/ft house. (The post below this would be part 1 and this would be ... you guessed it, part 2).

We found out about a family of 6 children who had gone into foster care. Another long-time foster family from our church that was caring for the 3 oldest suggested that we might be able to foster the 3 younger kids. Hearing that for the first time was like the first time I saw a quadratic equation. (Ray thinking to himself: "self, there's number and letters in that there math problem..."). It just wasn't even something I could process. To continue with the math analogy, 1 teenager does NOT = 3 children under the age of 5. Priority, regarding a sibling group, is that they stay together. Regardless of what happens with their parents the agency handling foster placement wants to keep brothers and sisters together. I told one of my friends once that if a brother had been placed with Mother Theresa and a sister had been placed with the Pope, the coalition would remove them from those homes if Hitler said he would take them both (obviously a wild exaggeration but you get the point). All three of the youngest kids were in separate homes. One of them was in a really great home that had done incredible work with him. The coalition (agency handling foster placements) placed the other two girls in our home. Almost overnight I went from a father of 2 to a father of 4. Within months that number went up to 5.

I remember hearing that my wife was pregnant with our second child, Gretchen. I remember feeling... well, honestly a bit indifferent. Now, I would fight til my last breath to protect Gretch. She is funny and beautiful and hard headed and precious to me but when I found out she was coming I wasn't incredibly excited. My first child Asa changed my life.

The equation went from:

me

me + Jody

me + Jody + kid (asa)

... and I was pretty much fulfilled. I didn't feel like our lives were missing anything. Before Asa, no kid. Asa's here? Bingo. We have a kid. I loved him so much I didn't really know how I could feel that way about another child. Hollywood would show a dramatic scene where I watch my wife deliver Gretchen and then the soundtrack swells to a crescendo as I bound through a field with my new daughter in my arms in slow motion. But, that wouldn't be real. It took a while.

That only serves to illustrate the point that going into fostering wasn't out of some quest for fulfillment for me. I firmly believe you don't have the right to say something, anything is an injustice unless you're willing to do something about it. Children shouldn't have to wonder if they're loved or not. Children should be safe. If the people who have these thoughts cross their minds even occasionally don't do something about it who will?

So, I put on my serious pants and thought, "we can make a small impact on a couple kids' lives even if we have our hearts broken in the process".